I always warn clients of three things when we begin working together.
1. I can’t fix stupid.
2. I can’t fix lazy.
3. I can’t make walk-in coolers bigger.
See the pretty cocktail in the picture above? See the cooler in the background in disarray? See the bartender who left the cooler that way? No, you don’t. That’s because I fired him. Actually, I didn’t, this isn’t one of my clients. This photo was posted by a very high profile bar here in the US and when I saw it, my eye immediately was drawn to the cooler. And my heart broke. And then I got pissed.
This picture tells me a lot.
1. Lazy. Lazy bartenders, lazy management.
2. Stupid. Any bartender who would want to work their bench with that much chaos is stupid.
3. The bar is suffering loss. Letting storage areas become disorganized leads bartenders to open second or even third bottles that already are open but they don’t see. That means product gets poured down the drain because it goes bad.
4. Or worse, they serve outdated product to their guests.
If you walk into any store, be it grocery, clothing, or porn, items are lined up on shelves in neat order, labels faced forward and stock rotated to ensure the oldest product is sold first. Care is taken to make the product appealing to the purchasers eye. Glass front coolers and back bars should be treated the same way. Being well organized allows bartenders to serve more efficiently, helps make certain product is at its freshest when served, and ‘advertises’ your product to the guest.
Other things that makes me want to put my foot in your ass if not done right:
Fruit and Garnish Care. Wash it; your mother should have taught you this, she’s not stupid or lazy. Cut fruit does not last overnight; if you wouldn’t put it in your mouth why would you put it in a drink. If you have to stuff bleu cheese olives, aka the ‘devil’s testicles’, the cheese goes inside the olive, not smeared all around it. Nobody likes soft and limp, be sure your bloody mary celery isn’t. Mint is supposed to be green, not brown. Put a bar rag under your cutting board so the cutting board doesn’t slide; you like your fingers, don’t you? Get a proper sharp knife. A full tang chef’s knife is the proper knife, not that dull paring knife you are using. Again, your fingers look better attached to your hand and it makes picking up bottles easier.
Bottles and Pour Spouts. Wipe all bottles down in between and after every shift with a clean bar towel. That also means pulling the bottles from speed rails and wiping them clean; I’m tired of sticky bottles and fruit flies. Pull, wash, and sanitize pour spouts at least once a week. Pour spouts are placed back in bottles flag left of bottle’s front label. Pour spouts are not to be a study of diversity – pick one model and use it in all bottles. Quit being cheap, buy high quality spouts and replace them when worn.
Hand Washing. I see you sneeze, cough, scratch your nethers, smoke, shake hands with guests, and handle money. Then you touch glasses, garnishes, and straws. Be Lady MacBeth. Your mother taught you better.
Mise en Place. This job is hard, don’t make it harder by not setting up your bar correctly. It chaps my butt when I see a guest order a martini stirred and you have to search for a bar spoon. Why did you run out of register tape and have to run to the basement to get more mid-shift? How is it you only have one pen for guest checks? You make $200 a shift, buy a pack of $0.99 pens. And explain to me why you have to go to the kitchen to find kosher salt after I order my Margarita.
A Short List of Stupid & Lazy Things You Do. Dragging glassware through ice. Using hands to fill glasses with ice. Using the bottom of mixing glass (where your filthy hand just was) to strain mixing tin. Never changing sink water. Handling glassware near the rim. Not serving guests a glass of water when they order spirits. Not using cocktail napkins. Not wiping down bar between guests being seated. Letting empty glassware collect on bar top. Not using fresh glass for beer service. Starting draught pour without the glass under the faucet. Never wash the salt rimmer. Not putting tools and bottles back where you got it from during service
Okay. I’m done. My fingers are bleeding from typing so hard and my blood pressure is dangerously high. Be a professional. Build good habits. I tired of ruining good shoes when you’re stupid and lazy.