Like to start fights? I mean starting real knock down, blood-letting fights? Try this:
1. Obtain one Russian.
2. Obtain one Pole.
3. Feed both copious amounts of vodka for several hours.
4. Harmlessly pose the question “So, vodka was invented in Russia?”
5. Get out-of-the-way.
Besides getting Argentines & Peruvians together over a bottle of pisco, there’s nothing more fun.*
Whether you subscribe to ‘voda’, the Russian root word for vodka, or ‘woda’, the Polish, one thing is certain, your choices are endless in today’s American market. The shelves at your package store groan under the weight of designer bottles claiming to be distilled four, eight, or twenty times. The shelf cards remind you that Brand X draws its water from a spring that Alexander the Great once bathed in, its grain was harvested by left-handed hermaphrodites under a blue moon using silver sickles, and that before bottling the distillate was filtered through thirteen feet of Vesuvius ash. A sea of ‘little water’ has been rising in the US for the past 75 years and shows no inclination of retreat.
Nearly thirty percent of spirits sold in America is Vodka. Not bad for something that is supposed to be clear, tasteless, and odorless. But that’s why you like it. It alcoholizes flavors. If you like orange juice and want to get drunk, hey, have a Screwdriver. If you like tomatoes and want to get drunk, have a Bloody Mary. If you like Kool Aid and want to get drunk, have a Sex on the Beach. Which brings up the fact of what you don’t like, the taste of alcohol. Gin reminds you of Christmas trees, Scotch of burning tires, and Tequila reminds you that last time you drank it that your head spent too many hours in a porcelain vessel meant for someone’s butt. It’s okay if you don’t like the taste of spirits. However, I’m suspect of things you do like the flavor of, are willing to drink instead of eat, and what you’re willing to pay for it.
Salmon. Bubblegum. Bacon. Whipped Cream. It’s not that I don’t like these things, it’s just that I don’t want to drink them. Flavored vodka has exploded into the American bar ranging from meat and cupcakes to Mountain Dew and marijuana. Flavoring alcohol is nothing new. It started about two hours after distilling was invented; heavy flavors hide bad distilling and neutral spirits can get pretty boring . Throughout history we’ve flavored vodka with such things such as grass, peppers, citrus, vanilla, and even snakes. The problem I have is that all of the new flavors are for the most part artificial (better living through chemicals) and are more often than not childhood flavors (seriously, who’s asleep at the wheel at the TTB?).
Why do so many companies make vodka? Because it’s the least expensive spirit to make. Grain and potatoes are cheap. Water is cheap. Those are the only ingredients (unless it’s flavored but artificial flavors are very cheap compared to flavoring with the real thing). You turn on the column still, it works and works, it distills and distills. You don’t have to clean it out like a pot still after every distillation; the labor is cheap. You don’t have to age it in barrels (expensive) for many years (time is money). It literally can be sold the day it’s made. Yet you are willing to pay a lot money for pretty water fowl etched on glass when, what is in the bottle, is basically the same as what is in the plastic bottle on the shelf below it.
So a quick history of vodka in Russia, Poland, and the US:
1. Middle Age Russia and Eastern Europe: 500 years of sacking, burning, plague, and famine. Nobody is very happy. War keeps trade routes closed and wine is unavailable. Nobody is happy. Alcohol production is pretty much limited to mead, beer, and birch sap wine. These are usually made communally and only a few times a year in the villages. Nobody is happy except for a few times a year.
2. Moscow begins to consolidate power after being burned to the ground several times and occupied by about half a dozen different hordes. One of these defeats comes by deception because everybody is really drunk. Many historians record people being really drunk all the time. It is suspected that perhaps crude distillation is being figured out. Trade routes begin to reopen with Italy and Sweden. Someone brings some better booze.
2(a). Polish history: see above; same shit, different place, different people.
3. When a population is no longer battling invaders and dying of plague they can actually farm. Grain becomes plentiful. People discover that there is so much grain that they can begin making vodka on an industrial scale, make more money, and not work in a field. This makes people happy. Moscow thinks this is a pretty good idea, creates state monopoly on vodka. Lots of taxes make Moscow happy. Lots of vodka makes everyone drunk. Everybody is happy.
4. Russia continues to become more unified; i.e. they begin conquering more and more land because they can afford it. They sell lots of vodka, they collect lots of taxes. Everybody is drunk, everyone is happy. Nobody seems to notice the wars.
5. Wars continue. Taxes keep increasing. Colorful leaders with surnames such as “the Terrible” & “the Great” hold power over the people and government officials by turning the supply of vodka on and off. They do other interesting things such as creating The Drunken Council of Fools & Jesters because they like to drink so much.
6. Wars continue. Cathy “the Great” doesn’t care about drinking and gives up state monopoly on vodka. She sells really expensive licenses to a few people if they promise to keep vodka affordable. These few people recoup the cost of their license by selling bad vodka. Tax burden now shifted to farmers growing grain for the vodka industry. People are over worked but still really drunk.
7. Wars continue. Everybody is really, really drunk. So drunk they lose a war. World War I begins, Tsar doesn’t want repeat of last war. Stops vodka production. This also stops the tax base. Hard to fight a World War without money. Tsar and family do not fare well. A guy who knows how to make vodka named Smirnoff takes off for safer pastures.
8. Soviet era begins. Soviets need money. The vodka faucet is turned back on. People are really drunk again but don’t seem happy. Really drunk and colorful leaders once again rule Russia.
8(a). Polish history: see above; same shit, different place, same leaders however.
9. Smirnoff guy shows up in America. Makes vodka, nobody likes it. Sells vodka rights to American company, still, nobody likes it. Company comes up with a cocktail recipe with ginger beer and vodka and people start to like it. British guy creates really cool book character that drinks vodka instead of gin in martinis. Everybody likes new book character, everybody likes that vodka doesn’t smell so much on the breath, everybody really starts to like it. Three martini lunches are born. Everybody is drunk. Everybody is happy except gin and whisk(e)y companies.
10. Everybody drives drunk. Nobody likes it. Everybody gets MADD. Vodka companies are unhappy. They don’t like when people drink responsibly. They come up with two great ideas: market Bubblegum and Fruitloop flavored vodka to 14 and 15 year olds because they don’t drive and charge insecure people ridiculous prices for something that tastes like nothing so they feel fancy when ordering a drink. Both ideas work really well. Vodka companies are happy again.
You like vodka, it makes you happy, or a least provides a reasonable facsimile of happy. You should be absolutely ecstatic as your choices are nearly endless. Russian vodka, Polish Vodka, Swedish Vodka. Rye vodka, potato vodka, corn vodka. Neutral vodka, flavored vodka, “character’ vodka”. Carbon filtered, diamond filtered, burlap filtered vodka. Four, twelve, and fifteen times distilled vodka. Cheap vodka, expensive vodka, ridiculously over priced vodka.
Remember, it’s supposed to be tasteless and odorless (unless it’s marshmallow flavored). Somebody is trying to sell you something tasteless and odorless (unless their trying to sell you tea flavored vodka). It takes a lot of marketing dollars to convince you into drinking their tasteless and odorless vodka (unless they want you to buy bacon flavored vodka and that costs them money also). At the heart of it all is a product that is very low in production costs and by its very nature (tasteless and odorless) basically identical to its neighbor on the shelf. The difference is the price, the vessel it comes in, and the marketing. The vodka companies are in a fight, a goddamn battle royal for your dollar. And like the battle between the Russians and Poles about who invented vodka; who cares?. It’s the same shit, different company, different marketing.
*Author’s Note: It’s been brought to my attention that you can have just as much fun with a Napa Chardonnay winemaker and a winemaker from Chablis and discuss the 1973 Judgement of Paris. Unfortunately the fist fight tends to be very one-sided.